All the unspoken words that I want to tell you but I didn’t.
Our last conversation is clear as a daylight in the back of my mind, I could tell you exactly how long it has been since we last spoke. I jot down all the unspoken words and thoughts every time you appear in my mind , the words I want to tell you. You’re the first person I want to share with — all my ups and downs happening in my life.
“I went on a date today because I remembered you told me it’s important to go out there and give people a chance. You know how I dread the initial phase of “getting to know each other”, you used to be my go-to person that I share all my experience with. You’ll always asked me how was the person and our conversation always ended up telling me that they aren’t good enough for me. Because you’re perfect for me ain’t it, your words made me realized that all these dates just can’t give me the same feels as you did.
Now that I’ve lost you, the person to share my experience with. I didn’t realized all the nit-picking with you was simple joy that I’ll ended up missing.
“When life gets tough, you used to be go-to person to seek advice and comfort. Even in our silences, I felt understood and seen by you. You didn’t even have to try , I miss that feeling so much — the sense that even on the darkest days I always have you to fall back on. You know the exact words to whisper that instantly make me feel better even at the most dire situation, speaking to you felt like a mini escape from the reality of my life.
You seen through the tough front that I am putting up to mask my inner pain, the struggle that was eating up inside of me. You shake me from sinking, you spoke words that touched my heart to wake me up from all my misery. Even if it’s direct and upfront, you always gave it to me — the way that might not sound ideal but we both know that it was what I needed that was good for my soul. I remembered you seen me at my worst — shrinking in sizes and you spoke to not just my physical shell but you reached deep into my inner soul out of genuine pure concern on how I should not fall into this spiral of “unhealthiness”, your little words of concern and worries was enough to warm my soul and pull me back to my sanity. I always wonder how you seen through my silence struggles when other people around me fail to notice them.
I used to look forward to small conversation with you even if it’s just you letting me in on the tiny details about your life — your worries, concerns and stress. Do you know that all those times while you were sharing your stress with me, I always wish that I can just easily wipe that frowns off your face, lift your heavy shoulder from all that burden and take away all your stresses in life from you. Because seeing you like that, pains me. I just want to help you take it all in so you don’t have feel that way anymore but I never get to tell you all this because I am afraid of how you will react if you truly knows how I felt.
But even till today, I always send a silent prayer up to the stars every time I think about you. I wish fervently upon the stars that you’d always have someone that can shoulder your burden in life with you even though it’s not with me.
So every time you cross my mind, I write down all the unspoken things I wish I can say to you. You’d always be that tingly sensation that I’d feel even when I can’t speak to you. But thanks to all this written words, it somehow felt like you are still around with me. Here’s to all the unspoken words that I wish I have the courage to tell you but didn’t.
