Making a rag doll of you from all the other guys
It’s one of those days when I close my eyes and still see you vividly in my mind. It’s as if I can almost feel you with my touch as I reach desperately for you using all my strength to trace the outline of your body but in that instant you disappeared like a clear fog as if you were never there.
It was all in my mind
Did it started then when I unknowingly try to build a rag doll of you out from all the other guys that I met? I didn’t even notice it because everything started out slow with tiny unnoticed traits. Was it the way he tilt his head back when he laugh at the smallest thing I do? Times like this I can’t help but to be transported back to our little moments together when his little gesture happened right in front of my eyes.
Let me stay in this moment and be mesmerized even if it’s just for a little while until… it hits me like a storm that it wasn’t you.
I thought that was just that one-off feeling, my heart was ready to let you go until I caught myself lost in this fog again when I am purely living the moment with this other person. Why is it that all this little traits comes from all this different people and it reminds me of you?
He took me off-guard and made me feel like “home” , he brings me back when I last experienced that with you. As much as I hate to admit it, you were my “home”. Those twilight night where I can just be myself, drinking till the daylight hits — talking about everything under the stars even our silences felt like an invisible hug around me because with you everything felt right.
It was probably this giddy feeling when I can feel comfortable enough to fell asleep right beside him or maybe it was the tiredness? I am so unsure of how everything is suppose to feel especially at times like this. But I can’t believe I found someone that gave me the same comfort as you did, I thought I’d never experience it again with you gone from my life.
I thought I would be more prepared the next time round when this feeling hits. I thought I was mistaken when words got stuck in my throat when this person approached me to say hi — how can someone look so alike, the way his eyes crinkled when he smile, messy bed hair that looks perfect.
It’s just a look alike but enough to throw me off, a bag of mixed emotions started forming.
Why is it that everyone I met have something that reminds me of you but not the whole of you? But all of them bring something different to my life as well, they taught me what it’s like to be treasure, love and how it feels when someone really cares for you.
Even though the memories still haunts me sometimes but I know this will be an uphill battle that I can learn and grasp with time.
Ragdoll out of you to mend the broken pieces.